I found this old goof-off in a backup from over twenty years ago. It’s absurd, but it is a writing.
by El’mers Glu’e:
di·plo·ma·cy
noun.
1.) The art or practice of conducting international relations, as in negotiating alliances, treaties, and agreements.
2.) Tact and skill in dealing with people.
Diplomacy, the all important poor man’s ticket to success in an angry universe. We’ve all been in a bad place, low on resources, trapped in the corner of the galaxy with few planets and a strong enemy mercilessly closing in on your borders. The rest of the galaxy doesn’t care, they have their own problems to worry about. They can’t be bothered by another poor mouth to feed, and there is nothing you can offer them in payment for protection. What do you do?
Hi, I’m El’mers Glu’e, and I can help.
I’m the author of such ground breaking books as “Dismemberment, How to Cope”, and “A World of Slime”, (a guide to Ambidextrian cuisine), and in my years at the Binarian Galactic Headquarters I’ve observed numerous diplomatic standoffs. In a galaxy where you can’t trust the next guy, diplomacy is a tricky thing. You need to understand the in’s and out’s of the Howlepeenyo spice trade, and cultural issues like how the Muisirc arms dealers view baby-snatching.
The key to being a successful diplomat is understanding psychology of living beings, and how they react to stimuli. A wise man once said, “Behind every action is an equal and opposite reaction, and behind that reaction, is a fuzzy young antelope.” If I pinch the Head of State here on Binar, I can be sure that his reaction will be to order my prompt dangling… This is reaction.
In my years of consulting for the “Binarian E’tolyran Galactic Governmental Association of Rowing Salesmen” (BEGGARS), I’ve de-fused some enormously intense situations. Carefully view my depiction on your Nambic-plate and take notes…
[Namb clip=0f45 mode=transcript]
Farg Embassador
“… and we demand that the squm-fleas leave our qolony world! We qannot stand for unprovoqed invasion of Farg space. The qonsequences will be most dreadful.” [quiet cackling]
El’mers Glu’e
“My dear Ambassador Qumquat, I am personally sure that the Altoid Spacial Policia have no intention of keeping a force on the surface of your planet. The Altoids have had a long history of spacial symetrics and as we at Binar are certainly dedicated to lasting trade efforts between us all!”
Farg Ambassador
“We will not stand for the squm-fleas oquupation! Qlat is our world, qolonized in early moons by my grandest papa, “Big Jimmy” himself! It would be a travesty to allow our miners to be put out by squm-flea women and children! By my tiq Glu’e, if the squm-fleas do not vacate, I will release the horse! The days of generosity are over!…” [Wheeeze]
El’mers Glu’e
Qumquat, Qumquat, let us engage the Altoid Ambassador in peaceful contemplation of our mutual problem. Surely he will assure you as I have that the Farg people are eager to come to an agreement…”
Farg Ambassador
[grunt] “I am qonstantly patient with you efforts, let us qonverse with the Altoids… and please don’t qall me ‘Shirley’.”
[beep] [clank] [“pfffftzzzz…. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-xcssssssss. Binar’Com,
Je’ff McBri’de speaking. May I help you?”]
El’mers Glu’e
“Altoid Counsel 48, Ambassador Haime please.”
[background… “Eth’el, keep them kids quiet!!” shhhhhtttzzz…]
[pfffffztttt….. “ah, uhm… yes sir, authorization?”]
El’mers Glu’e
“The sun shines in moonlight…”
[“ah… yes sir. Connecting…”] [ting] [beep]
[whistle….. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhpffffztttt…..]
Ambassador Haime
“Greetings Consul Glu’e, of what assistance may I be?”
El’mers Glu’e
“Ambassador Haime, I’m sure that you are aware of the situation on Qlat, would you come over to discuss this with Farg Ambassador Qumquat and I?”
Ambassador Haime
“Tanj!”
[fffzzzt.. “Connection closed by peer.”] [whirrrrrrh]
—A short time later—
El’mers Glu’e
“Ahh Ambassador Haime, please let the tassels brush your seat in my hu’mble office!”
Ambassador Haime
“Good Spaargo to you Consul.” [quick glare toward Farg Ambassador]
Farg Ambassador
“Your qrappy womens are a qonstant burden on my people at Qlat!! I fully expeqt to see at least 1024 by 768 resolution to this matter!”
El’mers Glu’e
“Ambassadors, Ambassadors! We must remain at rest. I assure you both that this matter will be worked out to the advantage of all who are involved. Please be patient.
I must gather the necessary documents and will return in a momentus.”
[step, step… click]
[at reception]
“El’mira we may now obtain our supplies.”
El’mira
“At your request Consul Glu’e…”
El’mers Glu’e
“Flanagan!”
[El’mira presses a button. The wall becomes a visi-port into the Consul chambers. and Ambassador Qumquat instantly transform into neatly wrapped packages of “Baby-Soft” bathroom tissue.]
El’mers Glu’e
“Thank you El’mira, I’m positive the Emperor Twi’g will be greatly satisfied with the quality of this latest batch. Please send out the appropriate news items concerning the loss.”
Galactic Times [“Year 3435.”]
“Following a surprise meeting on Tur’nip with a Binarian Consul, Altoid Ambassador Haime, and Farg Ambassador Qumquat were disintegrated after an intense dispute over the planet Qlat. Binarian Consul Glu’e was witness to the opposing ambassadors’ quick demise as they simultaneously released their deadly twitchies. The Binarians are in deep mourning over the loss and wishes to consecrate the consul room forever in their name by erecting a new public restroom at the site. Consul Glu’e states… ‘I wish to extend my dee’pest sympathies toward Alta and Farg and to express my c’oncerns that the situation at hand was not dealt with. I extend offers again to Farg, and Alta both that they would send more ambassadors to Tur’nip to complete the talks.'”
[“End Galactic Times Transmission”]
El’mers Glu’e
[Internal memo to Consul staff] “Emperor Tw’ig desires to increase our supply of ‘Baby-Soft’ bathroom tissue so that we may dominate the market. Please arrange a new Consul meeting room.”
[/end Namb clip=0f45]
So you see, that diplomacy is of utter imp’ortance! This Nambi-clip was archived 5 decades ago in the diplomatic hall of banners. In the 5 decades of the Alta-Farg dispu’te over Qlat, Binar and his Imperial Aargonoob Tw’ig were supplied with two weeks of the top quality “Baby-Soft” bathroom tissue that we a’ll love so much. Binar created the underground muffin market as well as the still profitable swimming gerb’il trade route that gives us so much p’eace and prosperity!
Diplomacy can be your friend as it has been mine. I am retired the’se past 31 years, but I still dream of the days when we could bake Borgellian hamsters over the peace pit. You too can gain the fame of being a successful diplomat for your species! If you are engaged in “talks” over borders or a dispute over planets, it pays to be a third-par’ty diplomat. If you relish the finer things in life, do not brush away your opportunity! Order my series of Nambi-clips now and receive a classic Ironium diplomacy pendant as a free gift! You will not regret this purchase.
[“Complete series of Nambi-clips are ONLY 91.778229 Binarian Credits!”]
[“To order contact the Porta-Glu’e Corporation at 45.333.53355.7:34XCV9”]
… and remember Glu’etonian rule number 4, “Emu’s are ALWAYS better when smoked…”
El’mers Glu’e
