Stars! Supernova Genesis, A lesson in diplomacy

I found this old goof-off in a backup from over twenty years ago. It’s absurd, but it is a writing.

by El’mers Glu’e:

di·plo·ma·cy
noun.

1.) The art or practice of conducting international relations, as in negotiating alliances, treaties, and agreements.
2.) Tact and skill in dealing with people.

Diplomacy, the all important poor man’s ticket to success in an angry universe. We’ve all been in a bad place, low on resources, trapped in the corner of the galaxy with few planets and a strong enemy mercilessly closing in on your borders. The rest of the galaxy doesn’t care, they have their own problems to worry about. They can’t be bothered by another poor mouth to feed, and there is nothing you can offer them in payment for protection. What do you do?

Hi, I’m El’mers Glu’e, and I can help.
I’m the author of such ground breaking books as “Dismemberment, How to Cope”, and “A World of Slime”, (a guide to Ambidextrian cuisine), and in my years at the Binarian Galactic Headquarters I’ve observed numerous diplomatic standoffs. In a galaxy where you can’t trust the next guy, diplomacy is a tricky thing. You need to understand the in’s and out’s of the Howlepeenyo spice trade, and cultural issues like how the Muisirc arms dealers view baby-snatching.

The key to being a successful diplomat is understanding psychology of living beings, and how they react to stimuli. A wise man once said, “Behind every action is an equal and opposite reaction, and behind that reaction, is a fuzzy young antelope.” If I pinch the Head of State here on Binar, I can be sure that his reaction will be to order my prompt dangling… This is reaction.

In my years of consulting for the “Binarian E’tolyran Galactic Governmental Association of Rowing Salesmen” (BEGGARS), I’ve de-fused some enormously intense situations. Carefully view my depiction on your Nambic-plate and take notes…

[Namb clip=0f45 mode=transcript]
Farg Embassador
“… and we demand that the squm-fleas leave our qolony world! We qannot stand for unprovoqed invasion of Farg space. The qonsequences will be most dreadful.” [quiet cackling]

El’mers Glu’e
“My dear Ambassador Qumquat, I am personally sure that the Altoid Spacial Policia have no intention of keeping a force on the surface of your planet. The Altoids have had a long history of spacial symetrics and as we at Binar are certainly dedicated to lasting trade efforts between us all!”

Farg Ambassador
“We will not stand for the squm-fleas oquupation! Qlat is our world, qolonized in early moons by my grandest papa, “Big Jimmy” himself! It would be a travesty to allow our miners to be put out by squm-flea women and children! By my tiq Glu’e, if the squm-fleas do not vacate, I will release the horse! The days of generosity are over!…” [Wheeeze]

El’mers Glu’e
Qumquat, Qumquat, let us engage the Altoid Ambassador in peaceful contemplation of our mutual problem. Surely he will assure you as I have that the Farg people are eager to come to an agreement…”

Farg Ambassador
[grunt] “I am qonstantly patient with you efforts, let us qonverse with the Altoids… and please don’t qall me ‘Shirley’.”

[beep] [clank] [“pfffftzzzz…. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-xcssssssss. Binar’Com,
Je’ff McBri’de speaking. May I help you?”]

El’mers Glu’e
“Altoid Counsel 48, Ambassador Haime please.”

[background… “Eth’el, keep them kids quiet!!” shhhhhtttzzz…]
[pfffffztttt….. “ah, uhm… yes sir, authorization?”]

El’mers Glu’e
“The sun shines in moonlight…”

[“ah… yes sir. Connecting…”] [ting] [beep]
[whistle….. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhpffffztttt…..]

Ambassador Haime
“Greetings Consul Glu’e, of what assistance may I be?”

El’mers Glu’e
“Ambassador Haime, I’m sure that you are aware of the situation on Qlat, would you come over to discuss this with Farg Ambassador Qumquat and I?”

Ambassador Haime
“Tanj!”

[fffzzzt.. “Connection closed by peer.”] [whirrrrrrh]

—A short time later—

El’mers Glu’e
“Ahh Ambassador Haime, please let the tassels brush your seat in my hu’mble office!”

Ambassador Haime
“Good Spaargo to you Consul.” [quick glare toward Farg Ambassador]

Farg Ambassador
“Your qrappy womens are a qonstant burden on my people at Qlat!! I fully expeqt to see at least 1024 by 768 resolution to this matter!”

El’mers Glu’e
“Ambassadors, Ambassadors! We must remain at rest. I assure you both that this matter will be worked out to the advantage of all who are involved. Please be patient.

I must gather the necessary documents and will return in a momentus.”

[step, step… click]

[at reception]
“El’mira we may now obtain our supplies.”

El’mira
“At your request Consul Glu’e…”

El’mers Glu’e
“Flanagan!”

[El’mira presses a button. The wall becomes a visi-port into the Consul chambers. and Ambassador Qumquat instantly transform into neatly wrapped packages of “Baby-Soft” bathroom tissue.]

El’mers Glu’e
“Thank you El’mira, I’m positive the Emperor Twi’g will be greatly satisfied with the quality of this latest batch. Please send out the appropriate news items concerning the loss.”

Galactic Times [“Year 3435.”]
“Following a surprise meeting on Tur’nip with a Binarian Consul, Altoid Ambassador Haime, and Farg Ambassador Qumquat were disintegrated after an intense dispute over the planet Qlat. Binarian Consul Glu’e was witness to the opposing ambassadors’ quick demise as they simultaneously released their deadly twitchies. The Binarians are in deep mourning over the loss and wishes to consecrate the consul room forever in their name by erecting a new public restroom at the site. Consul Glu’e states… ‘I wish to extend my dee’pest sympathies toward Alta and Farg and to express my c’oncerns that the situation at hand was not dealt with. I extend offers again to Farg, and Alta both that they would send more ambassadors to Tur’nip to complete the talks.'”
[“End Galactic Times Transmission”]

El’mers Glu’e
[Internal memo to Consul staff] “Emperor Tw’ig desires to increase our supply of ‘Baby-Soft’ bathroom tissue so that we may dominate the market. Please arrange a new Consul meeting room.”

[/end Namb clip=0f45]

So you see, that diplomacy is of utter imp’ortance! This Nambi-clip was archived 5 decades ago in the diplomatic hall of banners. In the 5 decades of the Alta-Farg dispu’te over Qlat, Binar and his Imperial Aargonoob Tw’ig were supplied with two weeks of the top quality “Baby-Soft” bathroom tissue that we a’ll love so much. Binar created the underground muffin market as well as the still profitable swimming gerb’il trade route that gives us so much p’eace and prosperity!

Diplomacy can be your friend as it has been mine. I am retired the’se past 31 years, but I still dream of the days when we could bake Borgellian hamsters over the peace pit. You too can gain the fame of being a successful diplomat for your species! If you are engaged in “talks” over borders or a dispute over planets, it pays to be a third-par’ty diplomat. If you relish the finer things in life, do not brush away your opportunity! Order my series of Nambi-clips now and receive a classic Ironium diplomacy pendant as a free gift! You will not regret this purchase.

[“Complete series of Nambi-clips are ONLY 91.778229 Binarian Credits!”]
[“To order contact the Porta-Glu’e Corporation at 45.333.53355.7:34XCV9”]

… and remember Glu’etonian rule number 4, “Emu’s are ALWAYS better when smoked…”

El’mers Glu’e

Harness the Lightning (Caveman Chronicles)

The Index -|-

Xir padded silently toward Zara. “All Ganix warriors here,” he said quietly. His white-painted face was impassive, but his eyes smiled at her

“Thank you, Xir,” Zara said looking up at the warrior. He was tall for a caveman, and he absolutely towered over Zara’s tiny frame.

Around Zara a large group of warriors stood quietly. They did not fidget or shift as children would, nor did they stand at attention as soldiers might. They merely stood, straight-backed and strong. Their arms were generally crossed or hung straight down, but either way, the left hands held two spears. Some of the especially large warriors held three spears in their left hand, but among the Ganix it was considered a sign of arrogance.

From the moment Zara had stepped out of her Mama’s womb, she had grown in the shade of these stoic warriors. Because of this, she was not intimidated by the expressionless, white-painted faces. She knew all of them by name and though they never smiled, they treated her like a favored daughter. Being the daughter of the Pale One, she was special to them, and they respected and cared for her as they would their own children.

Today, Zara intended to provide for them out of the abundance of her skill and power as she knew they deserved. She motioned to Xir with her hand, and he pulled a reed blanket away from the bulky pile of sticks in front of her.

The Ganix warriors looked but did not exclaim.

Laid in a bundle were dozens of spears. The point on each spear was shiny-grey and flecked with shards of green stone that glittered in the sunlight. The point was angular, two diamonds connected at the sharp ends. The tip of the spear was held by an overlapping diamond shape below it. Centered on this diamond was an oval of yellow stone. Below the two diamonds, the base wrapped around a flexible wooden shaft, and out of the base protruded two barbs made of the same material.

Zara bent and grasped a spear which she lifted to show to the warriors.

“This is a new spear that I made for you,” she explained handing the first one to Xir. “This spear will prove to be strong against the Xi.”

Xir nodded and held the spear by its leather-wrapped shaft. He twirled it with his right hand and seemed to weigh its effectiveness.

Another warrior nearby watched Xir and then held up his left hand that held three spears. “Have spear,” he grunted and pointed a knuckle at Zara’s spear. “This better?”

Zara nodded and did not take offense. The Ganix were nothing if not honest. They wanted lethality and usefulness above all else, and if they were to learn another weapon, she knew that she would have to provide something worth their while.

She grasped another spear and walked through the circle of cavemen warriors and faced the side of the slope ahead of her. The fir trees waited calmly without a sound. With the spear in both hands, left hand further back, Zara slid her right thumb onto what felt like a knot under the leather that wrapped the spear’s shaft. She took a deep breath and stared at an old, dead fir tree at least forty paces in front of her.

Then Zara tightened her grip and gently pressed the knot.

There was an immediate, high-pitched crackling roar that lasted for a split second. The spear recoiled in her hand, and the dead tree ahead of her cracked in two with the top falling backward as if it had been rammed by a meat-yak bull. What remained of the tree trunk burst into flame.

Zara nodded with satisfaction and turned toward the Ganix warriors. Her nose wrinkled as she smelled the tell-tale faint odor that permeated the air around her. “It works,” she said.

The large warrior with three spears in his left hand lifted his chin and grunted. “Yes.”

“Every warrior must take a lightning spear,” Zara said. “The Xi destroyed our village and livestock and killed some of us with only three ships and the Pale One fighting against them. They will have notified their brothers, and eventually their brothers will return to finish the task. We must be ready to defeat them.”

Just then Kpleeb jogged up to the group and stopped, panting from his exercise. He looked around at the group and at the burning tree.

“Well,” he said after an extra moment of breathing, “it looks like you’ve got things under control.” He grinned and knelt to give Zara a side hug. “That crackle is loud! I heard it from inside the cave!”

Zara could not help but be thrilled that her Da was proud of her. She reached up and tugged from her ears little balls of yak’s wool. “It is quite loud, and I have an idea to make it a bit quieter, but we need the warriors to be training on these quickly!”

Xir stepped toward the tree and then looked back at her stoically. “I try?”

Zara helped him feel for the knot under the leather. “Don’t press that until you’ve aimed and are ready to destroy your target!” She put her hand on his forearm and turned to face the rest of the warriors. They had all stepped forward to watch. “If you strike any living being with this lightning spear, including a caveman, they will die. Do you understand?”

There was a silent chorus of bobbing heads.

“Alright, Xir,” Zara said, “tighten your hands and press the knot. Be prepared for the spear to jump in your hand.” She put her palms over her ears.

Xir slowly tightened his grip until Zara saw that his knuckles were white and his forearm muscles bulged with the effort. His thumb twitched, he flinched, and the resounding crackle-whine shook the nearby foliage. A small tree far up the slope quivered and a nearby flock of birds fluttered noisily away from the warriors.

“No work,” Xir said.

Zara shook her head and put the yak’s wool balls in her ears before taking the spear from Xir. With a quick motion she aimed and fired at the middle of the burning tree, and the tree exploded into flaming shards of dead wood that rained down around it. She switched her aim at a boulder near the tree, and the boulder exploded as well. After that, she fired one more time at the ground in front of the burning stump, and the ground erupted in a shower of dirt, twigs, and rocks.

“It works,” she said with a smile at Xir. She handed the lightning spear back. “You can see the power of this weapon. With practice you will all be able to defend against the Xi and their flying lutu.” As Zara looked around at the group of warriors, she saw each of them retrieve and heft their new spear with a considering eye and what might be a new respect. They were quite ferocious and deadly warriors, but their fighting was limited to the range of their small hand-spears. She hoped this weapon would increase their effectiveness.

Xir lifted his chin. “Ganix practice. Ganix win.”

“I believe you,” said Zara patting Zir’s arm. She turned and picked up one of the spears and then addressed the group. “Follow me.” she said. She walked down the hill to the left. She knew the way well, and there was a trail that wound down through the rocks and trees into a very small canyon. In the center of the canyon, in one of the stone walls was a small cave. She stopped there and the warriors stood behind her eyeing the hole warily.

Zara spoke again. “You know the tundra-wasps live here and just how dangerous they are. When you can shoot down five tundra-wasps with the lightning spear, only then will you be ready to fight the Xi.”

The warriors gripped their new spear and looked at her.

[They are amazing fighters, and I have to prove to them that I can do it as well.]

Zara picked up a stone the size of her small fist. “Move back at least twenty paces,” she said.

The warriors complied without question.

Zara flung the stone into the hole and then held her lightning spear at the ready.

There was no sound for a moment. Two moments even, but after a bit, a noise began to rise from the cave.

“Do not move,” Zara called over her shoulder.

After another moment, a half-dozen tundra-wasps burst from the cave opening. They were as big as Zara’s forearm, sleek and fast. They hovered, buzzing angrily near the entrance as if daring any intruder to show its face.

Zara had done all of her homework. It was dangerous enough with a handful, but the whole colony would easily kill any small group of cavepeople. She already knew that during the day time there were only a handful of guards at the tundra-wasp nest. The rest of the enormous wasps were out foraging and usually returned at dusk.

With an anxious sigh and silent prayer that her plan would work, Zara threw another rock at the group of hovering wasps. They responded by immediately attacking. With incredible speed, they covered the ten paces between the cave and her position within two seconds.

Zara was ready. Her lightning spear whine-roared in a quick chattering succession, and she rolled to her right before swiveling to meet the second pass. Three wasps lay twitching on the ground behind her, and three more dove toward her like sideways hail in a fierce, winter hailstorm.

Her lightning spear barked again twice, and then once again. The last tundra-wasp tumbled to her feet with its legs still kicking. Zara scanned the mouth of the cave one last time to make sure that no other tundra-wasps were around. As far as she could see, there was no additional danger, so she waved the warriors over.

Xir arrived first and appraised her with serious eyes. “Dangerous,” he said.

Zara looked down at the still twitching wasps. One of their stingers still vibrated and oozed a drop of white poison from it’s tip. It was said that a single sting from a tundra-wasp would leave a permanent scar and sometimes required amputation of limbs.

She nodded. “These are nothing compared to the Xi. We must be ready.”

Xir lifted his chin and began to speak to the other warriors.

From the slope near the mouth of the canyon, Kpleeb watched the scene before him.

[She will be a great leader. They already trust her, and she appears able to fight and to design great weapons. But will she really bring the fight to the Xi or merely defend?]

Perspective

“You did not shine on me when I needed you,” said the man gazing at the moon. His eyes glinted and he shook his fist.

“You did not shine when I lost my job.”

The moon was bright and silent.

“You did not give me your comfort when mother died or when I was in that wreck.”

“I needed you to shine when my house burned down and when my boat sank.”

The man sighed dramatically.

The moon was silent still.

“Nobody cares about me!” He waved his hands with resentment.

The moon smiled down on a nearby ant, its glow flooding the night.

The ant gazed up at the moon with thankfulness and wisdom. “You shine on everyone impartially, big and small. Thank you.” The ant bowed low.

Frustrated at the lack of response, the man turned and stomped off. Iin the process, he crushed the ant.

“What an incredibly self-centered whiner,” said the moon quietly.

“A loud and noisy speck,” agreed the sun.

Reflecting on the Future (Caveman Chronicles)

The Index -|-

Zara sighed and leaned back. The workbench in front of her was littered with parts and pieces. She had collected every known gadget that her Mama had made and sequestered herself away from everyone. for days.

Am I afraid? Perhaps a little. Prudence seems wise at this point, and we are not prepared.

The look on Kiipo’s face was cemented in Zara’s mind. The unemotional, unflappable Xi had been surprised when she had melded with the lutu. Not just surprised but shocked enough to express something. Up until that moment, she had not believed that the Xi knew emotion. She had assumed that they had grown as a people without emotion and perhaps their faces did not even contain the muscles to express what was so common with cavepeople.

I was shocked as well. Though I am clearly something a bit different than the cavepeople, I did not expect the lutu to recognize my touch.

So she had questioned Kiipo quite thoroughly after dragging it in and placing its body under her blue net. The Ganix warriors stood nearby and passively watched the questioning unfold.

Now she knew.

The lutu should have only recognized an authorized Jariit, of which Zara was certainly not one. So yes, of course Kiipo enabled the self-protect mode when it realized that she could actually meld with the lutu. Within thirty seconds of Zara cutting off the lutu’s power, Kiipo’s countenance changed again. It became utterly unemotional, as hard as a stony exterior could become. With coaxing, Zara discovered what she thought was Kiipo’s indescribable fear.

Kiipo had been flummoxed that the self-destruct had been canceled by one who was not Jariit.

“It was not canceled. I severed the power,” Zara had explained.

“No one can sever the aji,” it had stated absolutely.

“I did,” had said Zara matter-of-factly. “Maybe you just aren’t strong enough.”

Kiipo had locked its eyes on her and then after a few, long moments it barely moved its chin upward. “In Xi legend, there are tales of the Ixant who can completely control the aji. I do not believe these legends to be true, and I am not positive that you speak the truth about the severing.”

What ridiculous myths the Xi have, Zara thought.

She had shrugged and retorted, “I don’t know what an Ixant is… or if I am one, but you can believe what you want. I was kind to you, but after what you have done, I will not allow you to be near your lutu.” Then she had walked away and left Kiipo to stew in its thoughts.

When Kpleeb, Zara, and Xir had visited the Ganix village after the attack, there were multiple huts that had been burned to the ground. The pen that had been used to corral the milk-yaks had been shattered and all of the yaks had been dispersed. There were knee-deep pits in the ground where lutu canons had blasted warriors with some kind of energy canon mounted on the lutu.

Thoka had built defenses in advance, and it was clear that they had functioned. The village walls were made of yellow stone and were mostly intact, but the locations of the defensive pods were only smoking craters. In Zara’s mind, that meant the Jariit had targeted the defenses because they posed a threat. It also meant that the Jariit could see the defenses. The lutu had soared directly over the walls and pummeled enemies from above. By examining the wreckage of the other crashed lutus, Zara saw that Thoka had been able to attack the lutu and crash them into the ground with the help of the defenses. Those lutus were physically damaged and some had arm-sized holes in their exterior fuselages.

But Mama died in the process. My weapons need to be stronger. There needs to be more of them and new types as well. Surely, once these Jariit fail to return, the next attack will be much stronger.

Now, Zara looked at her workbench and considered what she had to work with.

Thoka’s stash included what Zara considered to be a rough thruster. It was a ruddy-red ring that worked in concert with Thoka’s spiral bracelet to shove or push enemies away. What she considered to be a sibling of the thruster was a more directed bolt of power that used a green thread to pinpoint the resulting jolt. Another of Thoka’s many tools was a remote air expander that Zara called it an exploder. Zara had heard from Jial that Thoka had used it during the battle with the Xinti at the river village against Chief Kilow’s tribe. Lastly, there was a necklace that amplified the voice and one that magnified vision.

Zara examined each one and reminded herself that these few tools were actually astounding technology compared to what any tribe of cavepeople could wield. Thoka had spent time retraining herself to wield a power she could feel but not see, and the results had created an environment that would enable her to win a battle against most enemies.

Despite that strength against the Xinti, Thoka had been wounded severely and killed when the Xi had arrived. They were clearly a more powerful enemy. Zara leaned against her backrest in the smaller room. She pictured in her mind a dozen or more lutu swarming from the sky, and a horde of Ganix warriors defending. Zara was worried.

Who would win in such a battle? The weapons mounted on the lutu are incredibly powerful, but they can be overcome. They must be overcome, otherwise, the Xi will surely kill me, Da, and all of the Ganix.

Zara knew what she had to do.